The Golden Whisker Household Awards

Original cat comedy · Series collection · Fiction

The Golden Whiskers recognize outstanding achievement in categories nobody else thought needed recognition. Host Rupert has prepared ten ceremonies honoring household cats, furniture, and one deeply underappreciated human. These fictional awards-night comedies include disputed nominations, acceptance speeches, and a red carpet that is just the hallway runner. They celebrate familiar domestic moments without pretending any real competition exists. Meet the nominees below, then decide what imaginary trophy your own cat would win—and whether they would bother attending to collect it.

Read the ten stories

1. Best Performance as a Cat Who Has Never Been Fed

   Rupert opened the envelope with his imagination. The winner of Best Performance as a Cat Who Has Never Been Fed was, once again, Agnes.

2. Outstanding Achievement in Blocking a Hallway

   The nominees had occupied narrow spaces all year, but Basil’s hallway work stood apart. He could make an ordinary passage feel like an appointment.

3. The Lifetime Achievement Award for Ignoring Expensive Things

   Agnes received the lifetime achievement award after rejecting a remarkable range of thoughtfully chosen purchases.

4. Best Supporting Human Goes to the Person Who Stayed Seated

   Competition for Best Supporting Human was fierce. One candidate opened doors. Another remembered where the preferred blanket belonged.

5. The Red Carpet Interview with a Cat Going Somewhere Else

   Rupert positioned himself beside the hallway runner for the red carpet interviews. Agnes approached wearing her usual fur and the expression of someone with another appointment.

6. Most Dramatic Reaction to a Perfectly Ordinary Bag

   The award honored Agnes’s response to a bag the human had placed on the table. Nothing emerged from it. Nothing moved inside it. Nevertheless, the scene had tension.

7. The Award for a Nap in a Difficult Location

   Basil’s winning nap took place across two cushions with a gap between them. Observers questioned the comfort. Basil questioned nothing because he was asleep.

8. The Acceptance Speech That Became Another Nap

   Agnes had prepared a long acceptance speech, at least according to Rupert’s program. It would acknowledge mentors, collaborators, and the extraordinary support of central heating.

9. The Trophy Is Imaginary but Basil Still Wants It

   Basil had shown little interest in the awards until Agnes won one. At that point, the absence of a physical trophy became a technical detail.

10. The Golden Whiskers Forget Their Own Closing Ceremony

    Rupert had written a magnificent closing speech in his head. It celebrated community, excellence, and the importance of recognizing whoever happened to be sitting nearby.

Another corner of the cat household

Professor Pudding’s Human Academy

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