Dear Vacuum, This Relationship Is Strictly Professional

Original cat comedy · Short read · Fiction

Dear Vacuum,

I understand your role in the household. You arrive, make an announcement nobody requested, and remove evidence that I have been here.

The human considers this useful. I consider it a very loud editorial policy.

We need not become enemies. I am willing to remain in another comfortable room while you complete your work, provided the human maintains this sensible arrangement and does not expect me to supervise at close range.

Please keep your visits efficient. I have an established schedule of lying in places you will eventually want to clean.

Once you leave, I will inspect the room. The familiar furniture usually survives, although the rug acquires a suspiciously organized appearance.

I then begin restoring a modest amount of fur. This is not retaliation. It is simply what happens when a cat continues to exist.

With professional distance,
Clementine

P.S. Your upright posture does not impress me. The coat rack is taller, quieter, and has never chased a crumb beneath my favorite chair.

Keep the comedy going

Part of Letters from Your Mildly Disappointed Cat.

Read next: Dear Visitor, Please Let Me Decide Whether We Are Friends.

For more feline personality, explore CyberPussyKatz’s Wacky Cat Designs & Funny Cat Apparel.